Self-Improvement vs Self-Acceptance

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A lot of life advice is thrown at us as we go through life, directly and indirectly. As kids, we seek advice from our parents and elders on how the world works and how to live. We internalise their worldviews and it forms the lens through which we view life even as an adult. Apart from upbringing, several other sources of life advice exist: celebrities giving speeches at award shows, movies and novels with a takeaway message, random tweets and reels on social media, and of course, the self-help industry. If you are reading this article, chances are high that you have had access to some sort of self-help in the past.

Self-help is a booming industry, especially in the developed parts of the world, with courses, seminars and books. A lot of self-help advice is good and actionable, but a lot of it is also banal nonsense. In this article, I will try to articulate the difference between multiple types of self-help books, and how we can separate the substance from the crap. I will be specific to self-help books, but the arguments can be extended to other forms of advice (blogs, reels, podcasts, in-person talk, etc) as well.

Let’s divide “self-help” books into two categories:

1. Self-improvement books: This is what self-help conventionally means. Books about habit-building, productivity, motivation, success, etc that help you get off the couch and improve your life. These are more geared towards motivation rather than compassion. They basically say: “You can do it, bro!”. Some popular self-improvement cliches: “Getting out of your comfort zone”, “pushing your limits”, “living your life to the fullest”, etc.
2. Self-acceptance books: This is what is often called “anti self-help” these days. These books teach you how to be kind to yourself and not be too hard on yourself. They remind you of your limits, the inevitable imperfections in life and basically offer compassion rather than motivation. They basically say, “Get a chill, bro!”. Some popular self-acceptance cliches: “You are perfectly fine as you are”, “Life is difficult”, “Just go with the flow”, “learn to let go”, etc.

Rather than being two exhaustive compartments, it is basically a spectrum: with ruthless improvement at one extreme and ruthless acceptance at the other. Let’s call this the “degree of struggle”. A book that tells you to struggle against all odds and get up at 5 am everyday has a high degree of struggle, while one that tells you to chill out and relax has a low degree of struggle. Every self-help book that has ever been written lies somewhere on this spectrum.

Not every person needs the same degree of struggle from self-help advice. Some people always try to evade responsibility and blame their problems on external circumstances. They watch TV and eat ice cream all day and wonder why they are not fit. For such a person, a book offering a high “degree of struggle” might just do the job of getting them thinking about their own life. On the other hand (and I would argue this is more common with the younger generation today), some people are relentlessly self-critical. If they run one mile everyday, they are hard on themselves because they did not run two. If they get 90% in an exam, they punish themselves for losing those 10%. Such perfectionism, accentuated by social comparison through social media, is rampant in today’s world and is a genuine cause for mental health disorders. What such a person needs is not self-improvement but self-acceptance. When the person accepts that they are an emotional human being rather than a rational computer, that is when they can feel a sense of comfort under their own skin. But at the same time, too much of comfort can make us weak and complacent so of course there needs to be a balance.

The point I wish to make here is that we must try to find what degree of struggle works well for us, to maximise overall well-being. I personally prefer self-acceptance to self-improvement. For most of my adolescent life, I was extremely self-critical and I always went hard on myself to improve. But rather than improving, this approach harmed me causing unnecessary stress and anxiety. That is when I read about self-acceptance and mental health. After I read some good self-acceptance books, I stopped trying to optimize my life like a spreadsheet and instead focussed on cultivating peace. Now I believe I have found the sweet spot between acceptance and improvement. Paradoxically, the less I tried to improve my life, the more my life actually improved. I am not saying my life is perfect and I have “figured it out”. But I have definitely “come a long way” if I compare myself with my 5-years prior version.

Coming back to self-help books, whenever we read a book, we should try and judge where it lies on the acceptance-improvement spectrum. A book that tells you to be hard on yourself to improve is as bad as a book that tells you to become too comfortable. The former extreme leads to despair and the latter leads to weakness. What is needed is a healthy balance.

Some More Things To Remember While Reading Self-Help Books

1. Just reading a book doesn’t make you better off. Implementation is the key.
2. A book based on sound scientific evidence is better than one based on anecdotes and opinions. The author’s credentials also matter. Books written by researchers and scientists are better than those written by laymen.
3. Healthy and sustainable self-improvement happens WITH your emotions, not against them. You cannot control your emotions. You can only manage them.
4. Any book that makes you feel ashamed, guilty or inadequate must be avoided. There is a difference between improving because you want to improve and improving because you feel ashamed or inadequate.
5. When your life is not in a crisis, self-acceptance is more important than self-improvement.
6. No book is going to solve 100% of your problems.

Some good self-improvement books that also have a hint of self-acceptance:

1. Atomic Habits
2. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
3. So Good They Can’t Ignore You
4. Digital Minimalism
5. Stillness is the Key

Relevant Philosophies: Stoicism, Confucianism, Existentialism

Some good self-acceptance books that also have a hint of self-improvement:

1. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
2. The Four Agreements
3. The Happiness Trap
4. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

Relevant philosophies: Buddhism, Taoism